Oh dear

I guess the only reason I'm staying in TGB is because I'm closer to Allah. And I enjoy going to the surau and spending time with Him. And because I'm a BWP.

Yes, I do enjoy my job as a Student Representative Council. It's become a spice in my life, making things different from usual.

Though I might complain about the meetings, or the tiredness, I enjoy it. I do my job as sincerely as I can. Being a BWP disturbs my normal routine and I like it.

It's why I even moved in the first place. Looking for something different, something I've never experienced.

I don't regret moving, but I don't exactly like it. Sure I like the school system. But... the society there is killing me. Suffocating me, and I feel as if I'm living on my last breath.

Every single day, it's exactly the same thing - only the words and my activities differ. My life is kindred to a monotonous drama. The same plot over and over again.

God, do I wish for something exciting to happen in my life. At least to find a group I can click with.

I've only found a few of them.

I miss my friends in BRP.

Sometimes I wonder, is it really that I don't fit in, or is it that I don't try to fit in? But when I think it over, I have tried. Believe me, I've tried.

Sometimes, on those not-so-rare occasions where I'm by myself, I try to sit with others I'm not exactly close to, I try to hold a conversation with them - only to be ignored. And they say that I don't mix with people.

TGB, I have freaking tried. And I'm tired of it. I am tired of being friendless, I am tired of being ignored, I am tired of people talking behind my back.

I know being talked about is part of being a BWP, and I can't stop you from voicing out your opinions but please, I'm just... exhausted of all this.

You guys just don't understand me. Even my fellow BWPs don't understand me. They've never given me a chance to me to explain myself. Somehow I know they don't like me. It's why I distance myself from them...

Don't get me wrong there. I am committed (I hope), but I don't make you guys as my friends. I don't take it past the border. I'm sorry. Maybe it's my fault, but I have tried.

I've tried so hard to become a better person for you guys. I have tried so hard to change myself. I've replaced my old, childish, silly self to be a more mature person. I've tried to be a good leader. I've tried to make you guys feel happy with me. I've tried to improve - just for the sake of you guys

You guys just don't notice it... Or maybe I haven't tried enough, I don't know.

I have a year left and I don't know if my last breath is enough to keep me holding on. I fear I might explode soon. God, I am so thankful for Sarah, Puteri, and Dania.

I wish someone would hear what I'm trying to say... but I hope no one does.

What a paradox.

This is I guess, the first time I'm expressing my real feelings about being there. No one knows how much it hurts. It hurts to be there.

I've detached myself from somewhere I love and haven't managed to attach myself to the place I hoped to belong to, and at the same time, my old place is slowly pushing me away.

I don't belong anywhere anymore. It hurts.

If any TGB-ians read this, please keep this quiet. And don't spread it. I'll love you for that.